First draft

She was never afraid
Never scared of the judgement of man
Until reality crashed upon her.
And she holds her heart in her hands, but not offered.
The salty tears dripping onto the wounds that decorated her body
The world threw you from innocence.
But she didn't break from the fall.
But the world saw her sorrow
Saw her shame and her self-blame
And the wilted flower she became
Her soul wept with all its worth.
She never saw how brave she was
When she stood.
And when she loved
Because she knew giving was useless when it would only end in tears.
But she gave.
She ignored the terror that tried to consume her very being.
A smile crossed her face
Don't tell me she doesn't deserve happiness.
She is the most worthy, even if she doesn't believe it.
And even is she feels lifeless
She blooms, so the world won't worry

I dislike love, and it scares me all too much.

I won't be defined by what a guy makes me feel.

Lethargy

The blood drips down from my fingertips
And I hurl at your "I love you's"

I am just another face in the rush of a crowd.

Surviving

 I've been thinking of the word "survivor" recently. When it comes to surviving a traumatic experience, I don't think that means just the actual occurrence, but the boatload of things that come after.
I am probably confusing you, but think of it like this. A survivor of rape, it's not only the rape s/he survived, its also the depression, the fear, paranoia, the rejection afterwards.
Being a survivor means so much more, it means you've gone through so much, despite the dice not being rolled in your favor.
That's what survivor means to me.

Quote

한 사람을 웃게 만들면 세상을 바꿀 수 있다. 이 세상 전체는 아닐지라도 그들의 세상을
Making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world.

Thoughts

Why do I always stay up longer whenever I'm more exhausted?

16

Coming this April, I will be turning sixteen. So much has changed from last year. For one, I would never have imagined last year that I would ever go back to a therapist. Also, despite the instability I've been experiencing this year, I feel more confident in my career path. Whether it be writing, rapping, producing or photographing, I need to do something artistic. I can't be someone working in a coffee shop, that just doesn't call me.. I don't know. Anyway, a lot has changed. I've really changed. I am really not sure if it's for better or worse. Needless to say, I am very scared at how quickly the years seem to be going.

Something I will probably never finish

It was a near loss. I set my keys down, routine. But the house was.. empty. Of the feeling it once had. Of the happy memories it once carried.
Now it was shrouded by the memory of a red pool and a pale body in the corner of the room. I remember. The panic, the fear. My world was slowly crashing as I called the ambulance. I forget what was said. As I tried to keep the only person that mattered to stay with me. Just awhile longer. The sputtered apologies, from the both of us.
I threw my glass at the wall. "Stay here.." I remember repeating those words while frantically trying to stop the bleeding. I screamed. Here and now, I screamed. 

“Suddenly you’re ripped into being alive. And life is pain, and life is suffering, and life is horror, but my god you’re alive and it’s spectacular.”

Conversations

I had a bit of a relapse yesterday, but then I thought, that's too easy of a way.
Harming yourself just to feel alive or better.
Per advice from a friend, I will be putting duct tape over my blades.
I can't let myself go back to that. Not after so much progress.
But the thing that is really going to make me stop is what a friend said to me.
The conversation goes as this-

Her: I know it's hard, but you don't want to keep doing this, it doesn't help anything and you're ruining the beautiful canvas that is your body.

Me: I don't like my body, so ruining it doesn't matter much to me.

Her: It matters to me now

I don't think I've ever been told that. I don't think I have ever considered that someone would think that. So, for her I won't continue. I hate disappointing, and I really hope I never disappoint her.
(photo not mine, cr to owner)

Addiction

Its funny
Just us humans in general
How easily we become addicted.
To anything.
Whether it be to seeing our dog at least once in a day
Or the burn down your throat brought from sharp liquor.
How easily we depend on something.
In a world so temporary.
Sometimes and in some cases
We end up almost destroying ourselves
Just to feel okay.
Whether it comes from the addiction of feeling so proud that you went a day without eating
And that sharp pain in your stomach to prove it.
The want to keep that pain up
Or heighten it.
Oh how I live for that pain.
Or the other world that drugs can take you.
As it takes over your mind for awhile.
To live in the euphoria that isn't the reality you despise.
Addiction.
It will be our ruin.

Honestly, looking back at what I had posted last year, I'm a bit embarrassed. But I won't delete, for the sake of memories.

No, I need this. I miss this..

Recently, recently.. I don't know how to say this without disappointing. But, I've felt the urge to start hurting myself again. I know I shouldn't but god I feel so so horrible.
Like feeling helpless in yourself.
Also, I've went back to one meal a day. Yeah I know, unhealthy.
But I have gotten used to the certain pain when I don't eat.
I don't know.