Conversations

I had a bit of a relapse yesterday, but then I thought, that's too easy of a way.
Harming yourself just to feel alive or better.
Per advice from a friend, I will be putting duct tape over my blades.
I can't let myself go back to that. Not after so much progress.
But the thing that is really going to make me stop is what a friend said to me.
The conversation goes as this-

Her: I know it's hard, but you don't want to keep doing this, it doesn't help anything and you're ruining the beautiful canvas that is your body.

Me: I don't like my body, so ruining it doesn't matter much to me.

Her: It matters to me now

I don't think I've ever been told that. I don't think I have ever considered that someone would think that. So, for her I won't continue. I hate disappointing, and I really hope I never disappoint her.
(photo not mine, cr to owner)

Addiction

Its funny
Just us humans in general
How easily we become addicted.
To anything.
Whether it be to seeing our dog at least once in a day
Or the burn down your throat brought from sharp liquor.
How easily we depend on something.
In a world so temporary.
Sometimes and in some cases
We end up almost destroying ourselves
Just to feel okay.
Whether it comes from the addiction of feeling so proud that you went a day without eating
And that sharp pain in your stomach to prove it.
The want to keep that pain up
Or heighten it.
Oh how I live for that pain.
Or the other world that drugs can take you.
As it takes over your mind for awhile.
To live in the euphoria that isn't the reality you despise.
Addiction.
It will be our ruin.

Honestly, looking back at what I had posted last year, I'm a bit embarrassed. But I won't delete, for the sake of memories.

No, I need this. I miss this..

Recently, recently.. I don't know how to say this without disappointing. But, I've felt the urge to start hurting myself again. I know I shouldn't but god I feel so so horrible.
Like feeling helpless in yourself.
Also, I've went back to one meal a day. Yeah I know, unhealthy.
But I have gotten used to the certain pain when I don't eat.
I don't know.